Jess vs. Mother's Day

My mother has always been great at writing me letters, so today I want to honor her with the same. Before I attempt to capture the beauty and inspiration of my mom in words, I would like to share some of the things she has written to me over the years.

April 1, 1991

To Jessica Marie,

    First of all, I have to let you know you’ve been an absolute joy! Daddy and I wanted to have a baby so bad, it seemed like it took forever for you to arrive. You were a wonderful baby! Your full head of hair stood straight on end. One time Grandma “Baba” even tried to get it to lie down by putting baby oil on it. You looked like a greaser. We never did it again. People asked me if I purposefully spiked your hair, because that was the style.

     You were Daddy’s and my pride and joy with each new thing you did as a baby- crawling, walking, and first words. Speaking of words, you picked up “Daddy” real quick, but didn’t get my name till much later. Daddy would work with you, point to himself and say, daddy, while pointing to me and say, “aaaaahhhh!” And, believe it or not, you’d say “aaaaahhhh” when you wanted me. I was so happy when you started calling me Mommy. Right now you say some of the funniest things. “oohies” is for when you’ve gone to the bathroom. 

July 14, 1992

My dearest Jessica,

     You’ve done some darling things that have brought a lot of laughter to Daddy and me.

We were driving in the car and out of the window you saw the trail of a jet in the sky and said, “look, mommy, there’s a scratch in the sky!”

You were playing with Julianne in the kitchen and began to fight with her and I heard you hit her. I walked to where you two were and asked what happened. You claimed defensively that you didn’t hit her, but that she hit you. I explained patiently that you need to tell me when she hits you and that you’re not supposed to hit her back. Your innocent little eyes looked up at me and you said, “I didn’t hit her in the back Mommy, I hit her in the front.” It was all I could do to keep a straight face.

The other day you woke up from your nap and sat on my lap in the living room and we watched a little bit of Candid Camera. There was an old black and white clip of the old Candid Camera and when it went off for a commercial you said, “Hey, I want to watch that dirty movie!”

     You’re becoming the sweetest little girl. Your personality traits are emerging. One thing I’m cherishing with you right now is you’re very loving. Out of the blue you’ll tell Daddy or me, “I need a hug” or “I love you lots and lots”. I hope you’ll always feel free to do that- at whatever age.

December 28, 1996

Dear Jessica,

Hello my big girl! I am so proud of how you are growing up! You’re 7 ½ now, seemingly going on 11! You love responsibility and respect. And you’re full of questions about God and life. I only hope Daddy and I do an okay job of answering those questions. I must admit, I’m a little stumped right now with you. You’ve realized the difference between heaven and hell. So I see you trying so hard to do and say the right things to be good. My problem is, I don’t know how to make you understand how God loves you and desires for you to love Him and that’s all there is to it. You don’t have to earn your way into His presence by doing good things. But when you love Him and you know He loves you you’ll want to please Him because you love Him. So I pray we can teach you this.

     I hope and pray that you’ll always be able to come to me with questions, problems, or whatever because I love you. And I’m learning and seeing how you are a beautiful person, different from me, and how you are to be respected- even in those differences. I promise to try to let go of my expectations and let you be who God made you to be. And I give you permission to remind me of this if necessary. J You are doing so well in school and I am so proud of the young lady you are becoming.

                                    I love you always,

                                                Mommy

August 1, 2008

Dear Jessica,

Well, honey, we’re 55 minutes away from midnight when you’ll be officially 19 years old; and 2 weeks from heading off to college. I’ve taken a trip down memory lane tonight and have shed a few tears (so much for the Knox He-Woman status), but I’m struck with how much the Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to be your mom. I mean, really blown away. I think back to each stage of your life, and I am just so very thankful to have the incredible memories of raising a beautiful young woman! I remember a few days after bringing you home from the hospital, and you were sleeping peacefully in your crib. I snuck into your room and just watched you for a while. I wanted to snatch you up into my arms and hold you as you slept, but I wasn’t about to take the chance I might wake you. So, I stood and watched you. And, as I watched, I just stood there and started to cry because I’d never known such a depth of love. Obviously my love for Daddy was very deep. But, there was something different in realizing that our love created you. And I bawled at the thought I would spend a lifetime pouring into you because of that love. It was an overwhelming feeling, and in that moment, the Lord showed me a huge glimpse of His love for me as I was experiencing my overwhelming love for you. He spoke to me in that moment… that as much as I was aware of my love for my daughter, His love for me went even beyond that. He showed me that love always goes deeper, with His love for us being the deepest of all.

                                    I love you more and more each day,

                                                                        Mommy

     I wanted to share these letters, not so that you could get to know me, but so you could get a glimpse of what a wonderful mother my mom is. These letters let us peak into her world and let us see what is important to her in life. I can imagine that if I was reading these letters as a stranger I could gather rather easily that she is a woman of God who deeply loves her husband and children and wants them to experience the love of God in their own lives.

May 12, 2013

Dear Mommy,

     I am so thankful that you are the woman God placed in my life to be my mother. I can not imagine who I would be if you were not in my life encouraging me, challenging me, and teaching me to be the best version of myself that I can be. The best gift that you have given me is your passionate and genuine love for Jesus and second to that, your deep love for Daddy. I will carry these two things with me for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that I can give these same gifts to my own children one day. I am convinced that Proverbs 31 was indeed written about you, for I have never met anyone that matches the description found there with better accuracy.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her. There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” –Proverbs 31:25-30

     Thank you for teaching me how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. You are so strong and wise; the result of what the Lord has done in your life and the ways that He has redeemed you. Your laughter brings me so much joy. I have countless memories of having ILS (inappropriate laughter syndrome) with you that I will never forget. We Knox women most definitely do not get the southern belle award for holding it all together in awkward and tense situations, and I’m perfectly ok with that. Throughout the years, you have been patient with me and have corrected me with kindness when I was wrong. Your children truly do stand and bless you, and your husband praises you (although not for your cooking J). If your cooking abilities are the worst quality about you, I’d say we got the better end of the deal, because you’re really not that bad until you walk away from the oven and forget you’re cooking something.

     Thank you for teaching me about grace. I can remember being homeschooled and being so mad at Julianne for all her shenanigans so I decided I was going to write down all the ways she wronged me so I could tell you about them when you got home. I remember you walking into my room and asking me what I was doing, and when I told you, instead of validating my anger and desire for justice, you gently encouraged me to wad up the piece of paper and throw it away. You then explained how that is exactly what God does for us. He picks up the piece of paper with all our sins written on it, wads it up, and throws it away because he wants to be in right relationship with us.

     You have taught me many life lessons and I am so grateful. While the memories I have talked about thus far are serious, I also have some funny memories of you that will always stay with me. I will always remember how you let loose and have fun with family. I can still hear your Haha Tonka battle cry in my head whenever I want to, or how you sing I will survive into a spoon anytime it starts playing. I remember decorating for Christmas while singing Amy Grant at the top of our lungs. I also remember that time you had surgery and were on drugs so you called me and Jordyn imbeciles. That was great.

     You’ve been there when I cried, when I laughed, when I got my heart broken, when I failed, and when I succeeded. You have loved me the same through everything with a love that I know comes only from our heavenly Father. God has been so good to me. He blessed me with you. You have taught me how to worship Jesus and surrender everything to Him. You have taught me how to love other people. You have taught me that life is short and we have to pick our battles and make the most of it. You have taught me that family is worth fighting for, no matter how hard things get. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, and neither have our lives, but the Lord’s grace has carried us this far, and I know that He will continue to carry us on the road ahead.

     Thank you for being real with us. You didn’t act like you and Daddy had it all together, but instead, shared your lives with us in a way where we could see God working through you. I think that I speak on behalf of all four of us kids in saying that you and Daddy are the best parents we could have asked for. You saw the differences in our personalities and gifts and encouraged each of us in the specific way that we needed to encouraged. You didn’t expect us to be the same as you and Daddy or the same as each other. You embraced who we all were and helped us become the women and man of God that we were created to be. And you continue to do this today, even as we are all growing up and going our separate ways. There were times when we fought and when we didn’t like each other, but at the end of the day, we’re family, and God has blessed us richly.

     So here’s me, about to be 24 years old, and I just want you to know that I do still feel free to tell you “I need a hug”. You and Daddy did a great job of answering all my questions about God and life. You still do. Because of the way you loved me, I know and trust that I don’t have to earn God’s love. I don’t have to try to be “good” or do the right things to make Him love me, He just does. He loves me. Here’s me saying, “I love you lots and lots”.

I love you Mommy. Happy Mother’s Day,

Jessica

p.s. To anyone else who reads this, I would like to share something. I know that not everyone has been blessed with a mother (or a family) like mine who has loved me and supported me every step of the way. To them I would like to say that the Lord is good. He is faithful. And he is in the business of redemption. The Lord can redeem any situation, no matter how ugly it is. Nothing is impossible with God. He can help you overcome addictions, be free from guilt and shame of past regrets, and give you peace. He will give you true and everlasting joy. He will restore your life. The Lord breaks the chains that hold us back from being who we were made to be.

“God places the lonely in families. He sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.”- Psalms 68:6

We all have our own unique story. The important thing is that we delight ourselves in the Lord above all else, and trust him to lead us in every circumstance. He directs our steps. 

Jess vs. Isaiah 58

This morning I've been spending some time in Isaiah and I wanted to pause and take a moment to reflect on Isaiah 58.

Here we see a good ole case of false piety. Isaiah is commanded to confront God's people about their hypocrisy. Their religiousness.

Sound familiar yet?

This passage is dripping with irony and sarcasm, an interesting, and in my opinion, admirable approach by the Big Guy. God tells Isaiah, "They act like a righteous nation that would never abandon the laws of its God. They ask me to take action on their behalf, pretending they want to be near me (emphasis my own). 'We have fasted before you!', they say, 'Why aren't you impressed? We have been very hard on ourselves, and you don't even notice it!' "I will tell you why!" I respond, "It's because you are fasting to please yourselves. Even while you fast, you keep oppressing your workers. What good is fasting when you keep on fighting and quarreling? This kind of fasting will never get you anywhere with me. You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance, bowing your heads like reeds bending in the wind. You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes. Is this what you call fasting? Do you really think this will please the Lord? (again, emphasis my own)- vs. 2-5

Clearly, these people are doing something wrong. And they are God's people. We, as believers, must be careful not to think that our religiousness pleases the Lord when our hearts are not in the right place. We must be willing to examine our actions and the reasons why we do them. Do we seek to please the Lord or ourselves?

Do I seek to please the Lord or myself?

So why is the Lord not pleased? What does he want his people to be doing? Let's keep reading.

"No this is the kind of fasting I want: free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help." -vs. 6-7

And then we are given a promise. If we do these things...

"Then your salvation will come like the dawn, and your wounds will quickly heal. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind. Then when you call, the Lord will answer, 'Yes, I am here,' He will quickly reply. (quickly? Say whaaa?)-vs. 8-9

I believe that the Lord wants to bless his people. That's why he disciplines them and corrects them when they are on the wrong path. He wants us to know that there is a path to blessing, and it's not through ritualistic means or by doing "all the right things" with a wrong attitude. Blessing will come when we do the things that he asks us to do, and with a servant's heart.

I don't think that blessings and curses are simply a means of punishment and reward. While they can serve as those things, I think that our big God created them to be more than that. There's something else going on here. What I mean is, I believe that God created the universe to be a certain way, to act a certain way. There are laws and principles that guide the universe. We see this when we look at science (which by the way, I believe is not in opposition to God). So similarly to how we know that for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction, or how we know that gravity is what holds us down, I think there is a principle embedded in the very purposes of the universe that says something like, obedience brings blessing. Serving the Lord brings blessing. Serving God's people brings blessing. Disobedience brings consequences. Sin brings suffering. Not because we are like one of B.F. Skinner's pigeons, receiving a treat every time we push the right button, but because God designed the universe to work that way. He designed the universe to display his glory. He weaved blessing into the design, so that we, his creation, could get a glimpse of his glory, and receive blessing from our Creator. We have access to his blessing, and he reveals this to us in Isaiah 58 (among other passages in the Bible). If we come into agreement with this, if we acknowledge the Lord's holy power, and his desire to bless his children, how much more will we experience his glory and his blessing!

I want to end with verse 11 in Isaiah 58 because I think that it's really powerful.

"The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an every-flowing spring."

I know what it's like to feel dry, to feel weak and weary. Oh what a promise, to be guided continually by our Creator, to have our strength restored, and our garden full of life.

Jess vs. brother vs. the ipad

Today I am going to tell a story. A story that has its roots in the physicality of our world, but as usual has an accompanying heavenly meaning if one wishes to see it.

A couple of weeks ago I had to the opportunity to go to the beach with my family and some family friends. Due to uncooperating weather on one of the mornings, we decided to go to the outlet mall and afterward, we went to Fudpuckers for lunch. For those of you who have been to the Fudpuckers in Destin, Fl, you know that there are many things to look at while waiting to be seated. The gators seem to be what catches most everyones eye when they go, but for the opportunistic well-wishers of this world, there are the game machines that require a mere $1 out of your wallet to win a superb prize. This one prize in particular, caught my brother's eye. Johnny, who happens to fall in the category of an opportunistic well-wisher, saw the ipad hanging in the machine and thought, "I can win that ipad." And so began the journey of the Fudpuckers ipad. It didn't help that one of the workers there said that someone usually wins the ipad at least once a week, and there were pictures to prove it. For $1, you get to try and line up a blade that is maybe a quarter of an inch to cut the string that beholds your prize. 18 tries and $18 later, still no ipad, and we were being called to be seated. As we were walking back, Johnny said to me, "I know I can win it, I got so close." After remembering my parents owe him $20 for mowing the yard, he headed back downstairs to give it another go. After watching him I even gave it a few tries myself. I guess I was inspired. $38 and several almost successes later, he returned to the table with no prize. But he says to me, "after Mommy gave me the first $10, I had this vision of me walking back upstairs with the ipad and the other $9. We laughed. But it got me thinking about the importance of vision and the role it plays in our lives. In accomplishing our dreams. That vision, of him holding his prize, the symbol and reward of his success, is what kept him going. Kept him investing. Some might say the vision just made him waste more time and money, others might say he was getting closer and closer to his goal, and if he had just kept trying, maybe he would have got the ipad. It depends on who you ask and what angle they're looking at the situation from. This game in particular might be a silly waste of time, I don't know, but the situation got me thinking. Thinking about vision.

To me, I think vision is just a picture of what could be. That, at least, is the context I am referring to in this post when I say vision. It's a direction in which you can take your first steps toward. Vision is so real that it invokes some sort of real response. An action. It starts off with a thought and ends as an action, a movement. It births hope and excitement, stirring you on the inside and encouraging you to do something great. Something extraordinary. Something beyond you. Sometimes our visions can simply be a result of our wishes, like winning an ipad. But I think many times our vision in life comes from God. When we are continually seeking to please the Lord, we become in tune with another language, a heavenly language. A language from above that speaks to our hearts. To our souls. A language that births hope and excitement. A language that evokes a powerful emotion. To me, a language that causes an emotional response is still a valid form of communication. God made us and he designed the emotions that we feel. And He designed us to feel them. For emotions carry us to places and allow us to travel from one place to another. Emotions take us from bitterness to forgiveness, from grief to joy. In their purest form, emotions guide us through the very depths of our souls, providing us safe travel through the heaviness of life. And vision, this heavenly language, a gift from God, also guides us. Both emotion and vision come from the Lord, who is ultimately the one who is guiding us.

When a vision comes into our hearts, we must choose to come into agreement with it or not. When we align ourselves completely with a vision, we begin to move forward. We begin to try and make that vision real in our lives. We might just spend $38 on trying to win an ipad. We might just risk everything for this thing in our hearts that spurs us on and gives us life. And that's the thing about trying to determine whether or not vision is God-birthed or self-birthed. I think we have to ask ourselves, is it life-giving? Because Jesus came to give us life, and give it abundantly. That's not to say we never get tired and weary of doing life-work for the Lord, but if we're constantly being sucked dry and seeing negative consequences in our life and family, then maybe we need to reevaluate our vision. And in our reevaluating, we need to always be willing to ask ourselves, am I doing this for my glory or the Lord's? Whose name do I want to be made known in the fulfillment of this vision? Those are some questions to keep us on track as we chase our dreams and desires. Whether our dreams and desires are categorized as "big" or "small", the importance and necessity of these questions remains the same. Because while our dreams and desires may change, the identity of our creator who gives us our dreams and desires, remains the same.

So when we get a vision, when the Lord speaks to our heart, I think it is crucial to come into agreement with it. Not just crucial, but empowering. A gift. When the Lord gives us a vision, he is giving us a taste of what He wants for us. He is painting a small part of the picture so we have a framework, so we have a choice in whether or not we want to see the whole picture. I think it is important to remember that "getting a vision" from the Lord does not have to be some grand ah-ha moment. It can be, sure. But it also comes in sweet, soft whispers. A simple but overwhelming peace about a certain situation or person can be all that we need to know for which direction to take our first step.

He is inviting us to come alongside him, to experience wonder, beauty, and life. But most of all, he wants us to experience Himself. Because of the sinful state of teh world we live in, we will also experience pain, sadness, trials, and tempations. But oh how sweet it is to know that the Father loves us and wants us to know Him. To know his goodness. His faithfulness. And to know that He has a plan for our lives. There is purpose in our existence. There is purpose in our suffering. there is purpose that is beyond our understanding. We are not merely here to get as much pleasure out of life as we can before we pass on into an unknown place. No. It is known. Both before, now, and after are known. Our creator knows. And he didn't leave us to fend for ourselves. He speaks to us. He gives us vision. He gives us life that even words fail to express, that makes emotion struggle to keep up. Our God is great. Our God is true. Our God speaks. He speaks to our hearts. He gives us vision.

Lord, I ask you for vision. Lord, would you speak to my heart and place something there that makes me excited, that fills me with peace. Give me wisdom to discern your voice from my own or from the enemy. In the day to day events that make up my life, would you help me to have vision and to bring all glory to your name. For you alone are worthy. Thank you Lord for all you have given me, and thank you for what you have taken away. You are the Lord of my life. No one is like you, oh Lord. May my soul always be content in you.

Jess vs. the choir book

It is March 21, 2012. In exactly 54 days I will be graduating from college. Today I finally made it over to the bookstore to order my cap and gown, and as I stood among three Chinese students who didn't seem to grasp the fact that you can't buy cap and gowns, but instead you rent them, this fact started to sink in. Four years have quickly escaped me, but have given me memories, opportunities, and experiences that I will never forget. I look back and reflect, and like most people, I have both a sense of accomplishment, and a sense of what if I did it this way? It is, of course, pointless to wonder about the what ifs, for they only keep our gaze pointed backward, and not forward. So amidst trying to turn my gaze, I have asked myself, where exactly do I turn? Do I turn to the future, focusing my thoughts on the possibilities of what will be? Do I only think about the present, for that is the only thing that I can be sure of?

In today's society, it's almost unacceptable to not be worried about something. We have pills for anxiety, and pills for the mental illnesses that our anxiety brings upon us. I remember being in abnormal psych and learning about all the crazy mental illnesses that exist now and it amazes me! But sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me if I am not worrying as much as everyone else. Oh you're not worried? Well you must not have really thought it through. You must be too young and naive to understand the dire circumstance you are in. I admit, I have my moments where I start getting anxious and worried. But overall I consider myself to be at a place in life where I don't worry so much anymore. And it's not because I've "arrived", or know all the answers or anything like that. But it's because I learned where to fix my gaze. I learned some simple truths that help me keep perspective in the times where anxiety wants to start driving the ship.

I went to lunch last Sunday with my parents, Stephen, and this other older couple (and by older I mean my parents age). Really Stephen and I just crashed their party and got some free food. Anyways, while we were waiting for our food, this other lady started telling a story about one time in choir practice. Apparently one day at practice, the sound guy forgot to turn my mom on in the choir's monitors. In other words, they couldn't hear her voice and therefore did not know where to go in the song. So this woman realizes it and stands up to try to get the sound guy's attention. She progresses from standing up and yelling his name, to waving her arms in the air, to waving her choir book in the air. The sound guy isn't looking at her and therefore has no idea that the choir is flying blind. Her husband, who was playing guitar, looks over and thinks she's gone mad. Other choir members simply thought she was doing what she normally does in choir, which is praise Jesus with both the bottom of her soul and her hand motions. So picture a choir (sitting down) with one sole woman standing up and waving her choir book in the air, desperately trying to flag down the sound guy and get his attention. But he doesn't see her. He's not looking at her.

After I heard this story I began to think to myself, if God is the choir woman, I don't want to be the sound guy. I don't want God to have to stand up waving his choir book in the air, shouting my name and trying to get my attention because I have no clue since I'm not looking at him. Because I don't have my gaze fixed upon Him. 


So getting back to the unanswered questions above...

Where do I fix my gaze? I do not think it should be on the past, the future, or even the present. I think it should be fixed upon the Lord. Because when it comes down to it, if I make sure I am doing this, then I can be sure that when the Lord wants me to do something, I will be able to do it in that moment because I will see him directing me, leading me, and guiding me. (so in this sense, the present is pretty important) So each day, that is my goal. To fix my eyes upon the Lord. And though I am far from perfect, and I often turn my gaze, I know that ultimately if I can train my heart, mind, and soul to do this, I will not miss what the Lord has for me. And I know that his grace is sufficient for me, sufficient enough to help me turn back my gaze when I start to get sidetracked, when I start to focus on the past, present, or future. I do not mean that we are to go through life without a care in the world, or a plan. I simply mean that the plan will unfold if we turn to the plan maker, and not try to make the plans ourselves. For it is the Lord who knows each step that we take, and the plan he has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). The truth is, we can not know what each new day will bring. We can only be sure of the hope that we have in our creator, who has our lives in his good hands.

So yes, plan (tentatively). Dream. But don't worry about what the future holds for you. Don't worry about what job you're going to get, or how you will have enough money to pay back your student loans. Don't worry about when you're going to get married. Don't worry about your future. Trust in the Lord for he is good. Yes, I know that this is easier said than done. But saying it is the first step to believing it, and believing it empowers you to live life in a different way. Free of worry. Free of anxiety. Full of trust.

Check out Matthew 6:24-34

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life- whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things doinate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

You may not worry about having food to eat, or clothing to wear, so fill in the blank. Whatever it is that you worry about, consider the truths that Jesus has spoken in this passage. He tells us not to worry about tomorrow, and above all, seek first the kingdom of God. So let's seek. Let's seek the presence of the Lord. Let's seek his kingdom, and not our world. The way I see it is, we can choose to live in his kingdom, or choose to live in this world. And while my flesh often wants the world, I know that what I truly want and need is to be a part of his kingdom right here on earth.

"Seek the Lord while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near."- Isaiah 55:6

"Search for the Lord and for his strength. Continually seek him."- 1 Chronicles 16:11

"You have said, 'seek my face', my heart says to you, 'you're face, Lord, do I seek'."- Psalm 27:8

Lord, sometimes I feel trapped in my worry and my anxiety and my what ifs. Would you help me turn my gaze upon you? I desire to seek you all the days of my life. I desire to gaze upon your beauty and dwell in your house. I don't want you to have to wave me down, trying to get my attention. I want to see you, I don't want to miss what you have for me. I know that your word promises that when I seek you, I will find you. So I will trust in this promise and look to you. I am yours and not my own. My life belongs to you and not to myself. I will go where you want me to go and I will do what you want me to do. For I know you have a plan for me, and I know that it is good. It is better than any plan I could make for myself.

I learned many years ago that making plans don't cause your capacity to worry to go away. We worry and then we make a plan to make that worry go away. And then when that plan falls through, we worry even more. Really, it's quite ridiculous. Only complete trust in the one who is completely sovereign over everything He has created will allow us to live in peace. Only complete trust that the Lord has a personal plan for our lives will free us from the bondage of worry and allow us to fully live life seeking first the kingdom of God. And then here comes another promise... everything else will be given unto us. Everything we need we will have simply because we chose to surrender our own plans and worries and give them to the Lord. Because we chose to fix our gaze on Him.

People ask me what I am going to do with my life, and I have simply started replying, well I don't exactly know yet. I know that I am currently planning on taking online seminary courses and getting my masters in Christian ministry. I know that the Lord wants me to love him and love his people. I know that I want to be a mom, and probably adopt one day. Beyond that, I have no idea. And I'm perfectly ok with it. Maybe I'll end up substitute teaching, coaching little kids play sports, being a stay at home mom, volunteering as a worship leader, or frick, I might even end up being a missionary in another country. Today, I have no idea. But I know that as long as I keep my gaze fixed upon him, then when he reveals what he has for me, I can say, ok Lord, let's do this. I'm all in. And you didn't even have to start waiving your choir book.

So here's to fixin our gaze on you, Lord.

Jess vs. the talent

Have you ever read the parable of the talents? Matthew captures this moment of Jesus' teaching in chapter 25 vs. 14-30 of his book. Jesus is teaching about the kingdom of heaven and what it is like. Let's back up for a minute and look at the context of this parable. The disciples come to him and ask him about the destruction of the temple. They want to know when it will happen. They want to know what to expect and when to expect it. Jesus gives some description of what that day will be like, but he doesn't say when because even he doesn't know. "But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only" (24:36). Enter the parable of the talents.

Characters:
:: master ::
:: servant #1 ::
:: servant #2 ::
:: servant #3 ::

Plot:
The master summons his three servants, and according to their ability, he gives them a certain amount of talents. One talent is equivalent to 20 years wages. To put in it in today's perspective, that would be equivalent to about $800,000. To servant #1, he gives 5 talents. To servant #2, he gives 2 talents. And to servant #3, he gives 1 talent. The first two servants go away and multiply what they have been given by twice the amount. But the third servant goes and buries his talent in the ground, because he is afraid of his master. Later on, the master summons his servants to settle their accounts. To the first two servants, he replies, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master". But to the third servant he says, "You wicked, lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I did not sow and gather where I scattered no seed. Then you ought to have put my money in the bank, and on my arrival I would have received interest. Therefore, take away the talent from him, and give it to the one who has the ten talents."

Wow. Oh to be the faithful servant with whom our master is well pleased. How scary it would be to be called wicked and lazy.

Over the weekend I went on a youth retreat to help lead worship. This passage was the theme. We all have entrustments. We all have something that the Lord has given us to use to glorify him and to spread his fame. The question is what is it? How can we use it? Here are the questions that we need to ask ourselves as believers in Christ... What is God entrusting me with? What am I doing with what I have been given? Am I multiplying it or am I burying it because I am afraid? I think that an entrustment can be almost anything. It doesn't have to be some special ability or talent. It can be whatever we have been given, that of which we simply use to bring God glory. It can be a talent, like playing a musical instrument, being good at sports, being creative, etc. But it can also be a relationship, or your personality, or anything really!

So once we identify what it is that we have been given, or what we have been entrusted with, we then have to ask ourselves, am I being faithful with it? So how do we know if we are being faithful with it or not? Here's where we can look at the different responses of the three servants to gain some insight. The first two servants don't have to say much because their faithfulness speaks for itself. The third servant, however, talks as if he wants to get as many verses in the Bible as he can. Why? Because he's giving excuses. He's defending himself. He says well master I thought you were a hard man and I was afraid so I buried my talent and I know that you reap what you don't sow and gather where you don't spread seed (babbling on and on). When you're unfaithful, you'll automatically know because you'll start to defend yourself. You'll talk a lot, and make excuses. The truth of the matter is, when you're faithful, you don't have to say anything because your actions will speak for themselves.

Wickedness brings blame. Wisdom takes responsibility.

A fool makes excuses, and because of that, he'll never change.

When we are unfaithful with what we have been given, it will be given to the one who has been faithful. If we are not faithful, we will lose what has been entrusted to us. (vs. 28)

I ask myself in this moment, as the master comes, is the response in my heart no? Because if it is, then I will be condemned as lazy and wicked.

Am I governed by fear or guided by trust?
What size risks will I take for God?
Do I share the perspective of the faithful servants or the wicked servant who was distrustful of his master?
Does my love for Jesus make me want to act like him?

These questions are sobering. These questions contain truths that exist whether we want them to or not. I've realized that you're either the faithful servant, or the wicked servant. There is no neutral. You either multiply your entrustment, or you bury it.

To illustrate this point to the youth on this trip, the staff had a "ceremony" at the beginning of the retreat in which each student received a wooden coin. They were told that this coin was their entrustment. They were to keep it on them at all times as a reminder of the Lord and what he has given to them. At the end of the retreat, a second ceremony was held, in which the students were invited to come up to the front and receive a special golden coin if they had their wooden coins with them. Basically, if they were faithful and kept up with their wooden coin, they would be rewarded with this awesome $6 coin that was designed specifically for this retreat. I watched from the stage as I strummed my guitar and participated in worship. I watched kids go to the left and receive their golden coin, and then receive smiles, hugs, and congratulations from the leaders because they were faithful servants. The master's response to them was well done my good and faithful servant. But I also watched several of the students who had either lost their coin, didn't care about it, or didn't bother to bring it as they walked to the other side of the room with looks of anger, sadness, and disappointment. Now this might seem silly, but it was a powerful moment for them. Because they were condemned by the master. They didn't get to enter into the joy of their master, and they didn't get told well done. They didn't get hugs and congratulations. They had to watch their friends participate in joy while they stood quietly on the other side. Later in the evening, Peter talked about the grace of God and invited those who didn't get golden coins to come receive one. So then I got to observe the "lazy unfaithfuls" participate in the joyous moment. Monday morning we got to hear some of the kids give their testimonies of what the Lord taught them over the weekend. I think the ones who forgot their wooden coins learned the most. They talked about how they felt so angry and disappointed with themselves. "All I had to do was keep up with a silly wooden coin, and I couldn't even do that." "I threw it on my bed and didn't even think about it." They said when they ended up receiving the golden coin, they didn't even feel like they deserved it. It's cool how powerful this illustration was for them. I think most of them really learned what it means to be faithful with what you have been given. And to those who are faithful with little, will be given even more.

One girl talked about how she was trying to figure out what her entrustment was. Then she realized it was her awkward personality. She said, "I knew I was awkward, but I didn't know He could use it."

Here are some other things that these teenagers said in front of the entire youth group and staff:

"You're never too young to mentor."

Wisdom isn't just for old people."

"God answers prayers in three ways: yes, not yet, or I have something better."

"I never felt anything before, I didn't understand "God". I didn't understand why everyone stands with their hands in the air saying Jesuuuss. But last night, when I didn't have my coin, I finally felt something. And when I got my golden coin, I finally understood what God was like. He forgives you."

"If we bury our entrustment, then we'll be even worse off than before we received it."

"Each step is a new adventure."

"Entrustment brings excitement."

"Say yes to the Lord."

It's important to understand that God entrusts us with things. He gives us things to use to impact his kingdom. And in turn, we must be faithful with what we have been given. Because ultimately, the most important thing in life is to glorify the Lord and make his name known. We can talk to strangers and maybe give them a small dose of the joy that we receive from our master. We can encourage people going through hard times. We can relate to someone by using some small piece of knowedge we have about a tv show, and then maybe that relationship will grow, and we can eventually talk to them about the Lord and how he's changed our life. We can play sports with people who are caught up in a worldly lifestyle, and maybe reach out to them. We can share our life story with someone. We can share our struggles and the difficult things that we have endured. We can be awkward. We can be serious. We can be silly. We can be whatever the Lord has given us to make an impact on someone's life.

Lord, I want to be the faithful servant. I dont' want to be wicked. I don't want to be lazy. I don't want to bury this moment, or any other. I don't want to bury what you have given me. Help me to recognize what you have entrusted to me. What I have is yours. I will not be afraid. I will trust you. I will enter into the joy of my master!

Jess vs. the shower

Do you ever have those times when you're completely overwhelmed with the brokenness of this world? I'm never one to like Debbie Downers so that's not my goal here. But I'll be completely transparent with you. Last night, I had one of those nights. I thought to myself, we are all trapped. We are all stuck in something. I don't care who you are, how blessed you've been, or how good of a person you are, we are all stuck! ... As I was thinking these thoughts my heart began to get real heavy and then I began to cry because I was so overwhelmed with helplessness. Some of us are stuck because someone we used to love never chose us. Some of us are stuck because we struggle to be happy. Some of us are stuck in sexual sin. Some of us are stuck because of generational sin. Some of us are stuck because our families are broken. Some of us are stuck because we feel betrayed by God. Some of us are stuck because we don't feel God with us. All of us get stuck at some point, and we need a way out. We need the chains to break free of us so we can truly live. We need joy.

In my overwhelmed pitiful state I opened my Bible, because I knew that this was the only thing powerful enough to break me out of the state I was in. I turned to Psalm 23 because you can always count on good ole David to have been in a similar state at some point in his life.

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."

Shepherds know their sheep. They know what each of their sheep needs. Every single one. A shepherd provides for his sheep to the point where we shall not want! Translation: we lack nothing. We have everything that we need because our shepherd is watching over us. Not only is God our provider, but he restores our soul. When I reached this point in the passage, the weight on my heart began to lift, not all at once, but slowly, gently. He restores my soul.

Restore: to bring back into existence; to reestablish to a former state of health, soundness, or vigor.

The word renew also comes to mind. Restore. Replenish. Revive. This is what the good shepherd does for us. But notice that he only does this for one reason... to bring glory to his name.

John Piper said, "God's quest to be glorified and our quest to be satisfied reach their goal in his one experience: our delight in God, which overflows with praise."

As humans in a broken world, we are constantly seeking to be satisfied in life. To be happy, to feel like we have a purpose. To feel joy. We chase after many things in this world to try to achieve this state of eternal happiness, and some of us will go to any length to get it. But it doesn't matter what you do or who you are, there is still only way to have joy. And that's through Jesus Christ. It's through following the Shepherd and allowing his Spirit to dwell inside of you. It's through forsaking all the worldly things and ideas that lead us away from God and away from giving Him the glory.

Matthew 13:44 says, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy  he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." That's some serious devotion. For some serious joy.

I think that the Lord wants us to be joyful. Because I think He wants us to bring Him glory. Remember, the two go hand in hand. John Piper also said, "If God were not infinitely devoted to the preservation, display, and enjoyment of His own glory, we could have no hope of finding happiness in Him."

Psalm 16:11 says, "You make known to me the paths of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

And there are many more verses in the Bible that talk about joy.

So what does joy look like? What does it mean? How does it manifest itself? Well, joy results in praise. When we irrevocably have joy in our heavenly Father we can not help but praise Him. Joy can not be contained for very long, it must burst forth and create new waves of influence. That's not to say that joy has to be fleeting, here for a second and gone the next. Actually, joy is contagious and replicating. Joy isn't just a production, it's a reproduction.

I'm giving a lot of shout outs to John Piper today, but I think he makes some good points about the relationship between our joy and God's glory. Here's something else he says...

"The most obvious fact about praise- whether of God or anything- strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honor. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless shyness or the fear of boring others is deliberately brought in to check it... We praise what we enjoy because the delight is incomplete until is is expressed in praise... So if God loves us enough to make our joy full, He must not only give us Himself; He must also win from us the praise of our hearts- not because He needs to shore up some weakness in Himself or compensate for some deficiency, but because He loves us and seeks the fullness of our joy that can be found only in knowing and praising Him, the most magnificent of all Beings. If He is truly for us, He must be for himself!"

Daang. Ok so what John is saying is this; if we want to have complete joy in God, then we must praise him. It's ok to enjoy God. It's ok to delight in Him. It's more than ok. It's a good thing! But a part of this is praising Him.

It's interesting because believe it or not, I did not plan this blog today at all. I did not plan on feeling like I was in a pit with the rest of mankind last night and I also did not plan on what happened this morning in the shower.

Now remember the context here. Heavy heart, overwhelming sadness for humankind. Trapped. Stuck. Then I open my Bible and read Psalm 23. And I pray. I pray for release from the chains that hold me down. For the chains that hold down the people that I love. I pray for freedom. I pray for joy. And finally after the tears and prayers have fully escaped me, I go to sleep. Fast forward to the morning. Before class I decided to download some new music by Bethel Live and Jesus Culture. There's this one song called Glorious by John and Katie Torwalt that is AWESOME. I put it on while I was in the shower. And all of a sudden, I am overcome with pure joy. At the risk of some chuckles and lapses in my reputation I will digress into what happened next.

I started dancing. In the shower. Alone. I sing along with my laptop as it plays the melody that has managed to move my soul. To move my mind. To move my heart. And yes, even my body. I have a brief moment of fear that I will fall and severely injure myself but it is fleeting and I just keep on dancing and singing. I just keep praising. Because I felt joy. And the praise led to more joy. And the joy led to more praise. Again, joy produces and it reproduces.  And I know, in that moment, that nothing in this world can bring me more joy than my heavenly Father. Only my shepherd can bring me such joy. Only my shepherd can restore my soul.

No pit is too deep for your heavenly Father. No chains too strong. No sin too dark for his light.

Going back to the last part of Psalm 23 above...

Even though I walk through the valley 

of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me."

We all have pits. We all have dark places. We all have struggles. We all feel stuck sometimes. But even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we declare that we will fear no evil, for our God is with us. Our shepherd is with us always. Watching over us. Seeing us. Knowing us. Comforting us. 

In Him is the fullness of joy. So whatever you're dealing with, whatever is chaining you down, whatever weight is on your soul, pray for joy. But most importantly remember: PRAISE HIM. Dance naked in your shower. Sing at the top of your lungs. David did this too as I recall, just not in his shower. At any moment Stephen could have come in and exposed me in my moment of pure joy. Yes he is my husband but I still would have been embarassed. I will try not to be so embarrassed about my joy. Joy is so good. And there's only one way to get it. 

Jess vs. Mt. Rainier

Lately, the Lord has been teaching me a lot of things about what it means to truly be a follower of Christ. It's both challenging and exciting. Let me back up a bit and tell you a little about myself and what God has done in my life.

I am blessed to have grown up in a Christian home with loving Godly parents who taught me about my heavenly Father. I grew up going to church and practically living at church because at least one of my parents has always been on staff in some capacity. I learned right and wrong very early and like most children, saw the world in a very black and white way. But then I got older and the black and white seemed to run together and turn into gray. I began to realize that life is hard. It's messy. Bad things happen   in the world. People have struggles. That, of course, begged the question, why? Why do bad things happen? Why do people suffer? Why do things go not the way we want them to sometimes? Well I don't claim to have all the answers to these questions but I do think I have somewhere to start. It's rather simple, really. Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world. When Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, everything changed. Sin entered the world and everything changed. Their hearts changed. Their purpose changed. And their world changed. We still live in a broken world, and it goes back to that day in the garden when Eve listened to the voice of the enemy and tried to be like God. She tried to take control. This was never meant to be. And because of that one act, I am sinful. I am broken. Just like you.

I have not always realized how sinful I am. Like I said, I grew up in a Christian home and in the church. I knew about God and I was a "good person". I always hated getting into trouble and I never wanted to be in the wrong. You see, the thing about being a good person is we can easily convince ourselves that we are not really sinful. We can convince ourselves that we are good, but we are not. It wasn't until college when I truly realized just how sinful I am. I mean, I really felt it. I felt dirty, broken, useless, helpless, and overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed with just how much I needed someone to literally save me from my sinfulness. We are all born as a morally evil being. Now I know this sounds so awful that it almost can't be true, but it is. When we come into this world, we are dead in our sin. We need someone who can take us from death to life! Without Christ and the regeneration that the Holy Spirit brings to our lives, we are enslaved to sin. Now some of us might be doing drugs, or struggle with drinking, or we're living in sexual sin, etc.... but others of us are just going through the motions. Both are equally sinful. God says that he spits the lukewarm out of his mouth. The point is, no matter what we struggle with, we need the power of God in our lives, working daily to transform us and to renew us.

This is my testimony in a bottom line... God brought me out of death and into life. Life that is so rich, satisfying, and powerful that nothing else can compare. Being a good person does not have saving power. But the name of God has saving power. He will take you out of whatever pit you are in and bring you into marvelous life. A lot of times it is easy to feel like we don't have a testimony if we don't have this huge story that blows peoples minds and signs book deals. But here's the thing: every story is huge because the fact that we were dead in our sin, literally on a track that was heading for eternal death, where we were living on this earth apart from God and moving to being alive in Christ, with the assurance of one day being in heaven praising our God forever, and living with God right here and right now on this earth is incredible! THAT IS HUGE. Believe it.

Here's the thing though... if we want this transforming power in our lives, this abundant life, then we must let it take over every aspect of our lives. Knowing ABOUT God is not enough. We must KNOW God. Tonight I went to this event on campus where Louie Giglio spoke and Kristian Stanfill and Christy Nockels led worship. It was an amazing time. Louie talked about the difference between information and revelation. In other words, the difference between knowing about God and actually knowing him. He gave this example...

In college I took this geography class and on the first day of lab we took out all these topographical maps. While everyone else was cussing and complaining about having to study maps, I was secretly really excited. He said that he loves maps, and to this day has a world atlas next to his bed that he reads at night. Ha. He owned up to being an oober nerd. Anyways, they were studying Mt. Rainier, which is in Washington. When it came time to take the test, he said that he was disappointed because the test didn't ask him enough about Mt. Rainier, so he wrote on the back... things that I know about Mt. Rainier that you didn't put on the test... and then he proceeded to write tons of extra information on the back of the test. True story. He ended up getting a 118 on his geography test and becoming an expert on Mt. Rainier. Fast forward to the summer and he goes on this camping trip with a buddy all across North America. One of the places they went to was Mt. Rainier. After they got to the top of the mountain, which is 5,000 ft. above sea level, they got out of their car and started walking through a meadow where the snow was just melting even though it was July. Then, right before Louie was going to give his presentation on Mt. Rainier to his friend, he said he started sobbing. Not like a few tears falling on your face crying, but sobbing. He said he couldn't stop sobbing and he didn't know what happened. So he just went back to the car and drove back down the mountain to the campsite. The next night when they stopped at a new campsite, he was lying in the tent asking God what had happened to him and why he just broke down like that. He said he felt like God told him that he was teaching him something... He was teaching him the difference between knowing information about something and actually experiencing something and knowing it. So powerful.

He shared this story because he was trying to help us see something. Just knowing about God is not enough. The worst thing to think is that we are fine. Psalm 34 says to taste and see that the Lord is good! We can only taste and see when we know Him. God must give us revelation and open our eyes to see how sinful we are, but how adequate He is. No matter what your struggle is, whether you see it as something big or something small, the Lord can deliver you from it. The Lord wants to let his Spirit rest on you, to let his joy rest on you, and to let his peace rest on you. We must trust that the blood of Jesus Christ covers our brokenness and our sinfulness. We must believe that the Holy Spirit can do a work in our lives and transform our hearts. If you want to step out of death and into life, there is only one way to do it!

Father, we pray to you, in the name of your Son, and in the dependency on the Holy Spirit. Break into our lives and renew us. Release the chains of sin. Break off the shackles of shame. Release us from the things that keep pulling us back into sin. We need you and the life that you desire to give to us. Real, powerful, everlasting life. We desire to walk with you daily. Teach us your ways oh Lord, that we might know you more. Help us to see that knowing you is the most important thing. And from there, we are commanded to share this truth with others. This is what you delight in Lord. May we, as your servants, hear your voice and obey.

The good Word:

"But when the goodness and lovingkindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."- Titus 3:5

"We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For the one who has died has been set free from sin."- Romans 6:6-7

"Death is swallowed up in victory. Oh death where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."- 1 Corinthians 15: 55-58

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."- 2 Corinthians 5:17

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."- 2 Corinthians 12:9

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."- Galatians 5:1