It is March 21, 2012. In exactly 54 days I will be graduating from college. Today I finally made it over to the bookstore to order my cap and gown, and as I stood among three Chinese students who didn't seem to grasp the fact that you can't buy cap and gowns, but instead you rent them, this fact started to sink in. Four years have quickly escaped me, but have given me memories, opportunities, and experiences that I will never forget. I look back and reflect, and like most people, I have both a sense of accomplishment, and a sense of what if I did it this way? It is, of course, pointless to wonder about the what ifs, for they only keep our gaze pointed backward, and not forward. So amidst trying to turn my gaze, I have asked myself, where exactly do I turn? Do I turn to the future, focusing my thoughts on the possibilities of what will be? Do I only think about the present, for that is the only thing that I can be sure of?
In today's society, it's almost unacceptable to not be worried about something. We have pills for anxiety, and pills for the mental illnesses that our anxiety brings upon us. I remember being in abnormal psych and learning about all the crazy mental illnesses that exist now and it amazes me! But sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me if I am not worrying as much as everyone else. Oh you're not worried? Well you must not have really thought it through. You must be too young and naive to understand the dire circumstance you are in. I admit, I have my moments where I start getting anxious and worried. But overall I consider myself to be at a place in life where I don't worry so much anymore. And it's not because I've "arrived", or know all the answers or anything like that. But it's because I learned where to fix my gaze. I learned some simple truths that help me keep perspective in the times where anxiety wants to start driving the ship.
I went to lunch last Sunday with my parents, Stephen, and this other older couple (and by older I mean my parents age). Really Stephen and I just crashed their party and got some free food. Anyways, while we were waiting for our food, this other lady started telling a story about one time in choir practice. Apparently one day at practice, the sound guy forgot to turn my mom on in the choir's monitors. In other words, they couldn't hear her voice and therefore did not know where to go in the song. So this woman realizes it and stands up to try to get the sound guy's attention. She progresses from standing up and yelling his name, to waving her arms in the air, to waving her choir book in the air. The sound guy isn't looking at her and therefore has no idea that the choir is flying blind. Her husband, who was playing guitar, looks over and thinks she's gone mad. Other choir members simply thought she was doing what she normally does in choir, which is praise Jesus with both the bottom of her soul and her hand motions. So picture a choir (sitting down) with one sole woman standing up and waving her choir book in the air, desperately trying to flag down the sound guy and get his attention. But he doesn't see her. He's not looking at her.
After I heard this story I began to think to myself, if God is the choir woman, I don't want to be the sound guy. I don't want God to have to stand up waving his choir book in the air, shouting my name and trying to get my attention because I have no clue since I'm not looking at him. Because I don't have my gaze fixed upon Him.
So getting back to the unanswered questions above...
Where do I fix my gaze? I do not think it should be on the past, the future, or even the present. I think it should be fixed upon the Lord. Because when it comes down to it, if I make sure I am doing this, then I can be sure that when the Lord wants me to do something, I will be able to do it in that moment because I will see him directing me, leading me, and guiding me. (so in this sense, the present is pretty important) So each day, that is my goal. To fix my eyes upon the Lord. And though I am far from perfect, and I often turn my gaze, I know that ultimately if I can train my heart, mind, and soul to do this, I will not miss what the Lord has for me. And I know that his grace is sufficient for me, sufficient enough to help me turn back my gaze when I start to get sidetracked, when I start to focus on the past, present, or future. I do not mean that we are to go through life without a care in the world, or a plan. I simply mean that the plan will unfold if we turn to the plan maker, and not try to make the plans ourselves. For it is the Lord who knows each step that we take, and the plan he has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). The truth is, we can not know what each new day will bring. We can only be sure of the hope that we have in our creator, who has our lives in his good hands.
So yes, plan (tentatively). Dream. But don't worry about what the future holds for you. Don't worry about what job you're going to get, or how you will have enough money to pay back your student loans. Don't worry about when you're going to get married. Don't worry about your future. Trust in the Lord for he is good. Yes, I know that this is easier said than done. But saying it is the first step to believing it, and believing it empowers you to live life in a different way. Free of worry. Free of anxiety. Full of trust.
Check out Matthew 6:24-34
"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life- whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things doinate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.
You may not worry about having food to eat, or clothing to wear, so fill in the blank. Whatever it is that you worry about, consider the truths that Jesus has spoken in this passage. He tells us not to worry about tomorrow, and above all, seek first the kingdom of God. So let's seek. Let's seek the presence of the Lord. Let's seek his kingdom, and not our world. The way I see it is, we can choose to live in his kingdom, or choose to live in this world. And while my flesh often wants the world, I know that what I truly want and need is to be a part of his kingdom right here on earth.
"Seek the Lord while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near."- Isaiah 55:6
"Search for the Lord and for his strength. Continually seek him."- 1 Chronicles 16:11
"You have said, 'seek my face', my heart says to you, 'you're face, Lord, do I seek'."- Psalm 27:8
Lord, sometimes I feel trapped in my worry and my anxiety and my what ifs. Would you help me turn my gaze upon you? I desire to seek you all the days of my life. I desire to gaze upon your beauty and dwell in your house. I don't want you to have to wave me down, trying to get my attention. I want to see you, I don't want to miss what you have for me. I know that your word promises that when I seek you, I will find you. So I will trust in this promise and look to you. I am yours and not my own. My life belongs to you and not to myself. I will go where you want me to go and I will do what you want me to do. For I know you have a plan for me, and I know that it is good. It is better than any plan I could make for myself.
I learned many years ago that making plans don't cause your capacity to worry to go away. We worry and then we make a plan to make that worry go away. And then when that plan falls through, we worry even more. Really, it's quite ridiculous. Only complete trust in the one who is completely sovereign over everything He has created will allow us to live in peace. Only complete trust that the Lord has a personal plan for our lives will free us from the bondage of worry and allow us to fully live life seeking first the kingdom of God. And then here comes another promise... everything else will be given unto us. Everything we need we will have simply because we chose to surrender our own plans and worries and give them to the Lord. Because we chose to fix our gaze on Him.
People ask me what I am going to do with my life, and I have simply started replying, well I don't exactly know yet. I know that I am currently planning on taking online seminary courses and getting my masters in Christian ministry. I know that the Lord wants me to love him and love his people. I know that I want to be a mom, and probably adopt one day. Beyond that, I have no idea. And I'm perfectly ok with it. Maybe I'll end up substitute teaching, coaching little kids play sports, being a stay at home mom, volunteering as a worship leader, or frick, I might even end up being a missionary in another country. Today, I have no idea. But I know that as long as I keep my gaze fixed upon him, then when he reveals what he has for me, I can say, ok Lord, let's do this. I'm all in. And you didn't even have to start waiving your choir book.
So here's to fixin our gaze on you, Lord.
