My mother has always been great at writing me letters, so
today I want to honor her with the same. Before I attempt to capture the beauty
and inspiration of my mom in words, I would like to share some of the things
she has written to me over the years.
April 1, 1991
To Jessica Marie,
First of all, I have to let you know you’ve been an absolute joy! Daddy
and I wanted to have a baby so bad, it seemed like it took forever for you to
arrive. You were a wonderful baby! Your full head of hair stood straight on
end. One time Grandma “Baba” even tried to get it to lie down by putting baby
oil on it. You looked like a greaser. We never did it again. People asked me if
I purposefully spiked your hair, because that was the style.
You were Daddy’s and my pride and joy with each new thing you did as a
baby- crawling, walking, and first words. Speaking of words, you picked up
“Daddy” real quick, but didn’t get my name till much later. Daddy would work
with you, point to himself and say, daddy, while pointing to me and say,
“aaaaahhhh!” And, believe it or not, you’d say “aaaaahhhh” when you wanted me.
I was so happy when you started calling me Mommy. Right now you say some of the
funniest things. “oohies” is for when you’ve gone to the bathroom.
July 14, 1992
My dearest Jessica,
You’ve done some darling things that have brought a lot of laughter to
Daddy and me.
We were driving in the car and out
of the window you saw the trail of a jet in the sky and said, “look, mommy,
there’s a scratch in the sky!”
You were playing with Julianne in
the kitchen and began to fight with her and I heard you hit her. I walked to
where you two were and asked what happened. You claimed defensively that you
didn’t hit her, but that she hit you. I explained patiently that you need to
tell me when she hits you and that you’re not supposed to hit her back. Your
innocent little eyes looked up at me and you said, “I didn’t hit her in the
back Mommy, I hit her in the front.” It was all I could do to keep a straight
face.
The other day you woke up from your
nap and sat on my lap in the living room and we watched a little bit of Candid
Camera. There was an old black and white clip of the old Candid Camera and when
it went off for a commercial you said, “Hey, I want to watch that dirty movie!”
You’re becoming the sweetest little girl. Your personality traits are
emerging. One thing I’m cherishing with you right now is you’re very loving.
Out of the blue you’ll tell Daddy or me, “I need a hug” or “I love you lots and
lots”. I hope you’ll always feel free to do that- at whatever age.
December 28, 1996
Dear Jessica,
Hello my big girl! I am so proud of how you are growing up!
You’re 7 ½ now, seemingly going on 11! You love responsibility and respect. And
you’re full of questions about God and life. I only hope Daddy and I do an okay
job of answering those questions. I must admit, I’m a little stumped right now
with you. You’ve realized the difference between heaven and hell. So I see you
trying so hard to do and say the right things to be good. My problem is, I
don’t know how to make you understand how God loves you and desires for you to
love Him and that’s all there is to it. You don’t have to earn your way into
His presence by doing good things. But when you love Him and you know He loves
you you’ll want to please Him because you love Him. So I pray we can teach you
this.
I hope and pray that you’ll always be able to come to me with questions,
problems, or whatever because I love you. And I’m learning and seeing how you
are a beautiful person, different from me, and how you are to be respected-
even in those differences. I promise to try to let go of my expectations and
let you be who God made you to be. And I give you permission to remind me of
this if necessary. J
You are doing so well in school and I am so proud of the young lady you are
becoming.
I
love you always,
Mommy
August 1, 2008
Dear Jessica,
Well, honey, we’re 55 minutes away from midnight when you’ll
be officially 19 years old; and 2 weeks from heading off to college. I’ve taken
a trip down memory lane tonight and have shed a few tears (so much for the Knox
He-Woman status), but I’m struck with how much the Lord has blessed me with the
opportunity to be your mom. I mean, really blown away. I think back to each
stage of your life, and I am just so very thankful to have the incredible
memories of raising a beautiful young woman! I remember a few days after
bringing you home from the hospital, and you were sleeping peacefully in your
crib. I snuck into your room and just watched you for a while. I wanted to
snatch you up into my arms and hold you as you slept, but I wasn’t about to
take the chance I might wake you. So, I stood and watched you. And, as I
watched, I just stood there and started to cry because I’d never known such a
depth of love. Obviously my love for Daddy was very deep. But, there was
something different in realizing that our love created you. And I bawled at the
thought I would spend a lifetime pouring into you because of that love. It was
an overwhelming feeling, and in that moment, the Lord showed me a huge glimpse
of His love for me as I was experiencing my overwhelming love for you. He spoke
to me in that moment… that as much as I was aware of my love for my daughter,
His love for me went even beyond that. He showed me that love always goes
deeper, with His love for us being the deepest of all.
I
love you more and more each day,
Mommy
I wanted to share these letters, not so that you could get to know me,
but so you could get a glimpse of what a wonderful mother my mom is. These
letters let us peak into her world and let us see what is important to her in
life. I can imagine that if I was reading these letters as a stranger I could
gather rather easily that she is a woman of God who deeply loves her husband
and children and wants them to experience the love of God in their own lives.
May 12, 2013
Dear Mommy,
I am so thankful that you are the woman God placed in my life to be my
mother. I can not imagine who I would be if you were not in my life encouraging
me, challenging me, and teaching me to be the best version of myself that I can
be. The best gift that you have given me is your passionate and genuine love
for Jesus and second to that, your deep love for Daddy. I will carry these two
things with me for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that I can give these
same gifts to my own children one day. I am convinced that Proverbs 31 was
indeed written about you, for I have never met anyone that matches the description
found there with better accuracy.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs
without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives
instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her
husband praises her. There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a
woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” –Proverbs 31:25-30
Thank you for teaching me how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. You are so
strong and wise; the result of what the Lord has done in your life and the ways
that He has redeemed you. Your laughter brings me so much joy. I have countless
memories of having ILS (inappropriate laughter syndrome) with you that I will
never forget. We Knox women most definitely do not get the southern belle award
for holding it all together in awkward and tense situations, and I’m perfectly ok
with that. Throughout the years, you have been patient with me and have
corrected me with kindness when I was wrong. Your children truly do stand and
bless you, and your husband praises you (although not for your cooking J). If your cooking
abilities are the worst quality about you, I’d say we got the better end of the
deal, because you’re really not that bad until you walk away from the oven and
forget you’re cooking something.
Thank you for teaching me about grace. I can remember being homeschooled
and being so mad at Julianne for all her shenanigans so I decided I was going
to write down all the ways she wronged me so I could tell you about them when
you got home. I remember you walking into my room and asking me what I was
doing, and when I told you, instead of validating my anger and desire for
justice, you gently encouraged me to wad up the piece of paper and throw it
away. You then explained how that is exactly what God does for us. He picks up
the piece of paper with all our sins written on it, wads it up, and throws it
away because he wants to be in right relationship with us.
You have taught me many life lessons and I am so grateful. While the
memories I have talked about thus far are serious, I also have some funny
memories of you that will always stay with me. I will always remember how you
let loose and have fun with family. I can still hear your Haha Tonka battle cry
in my head whenever I want to, or how you sing I will survive into a spoon
anytime it starts playing. I remember decorating for Christmas while singing
Amy Grant at the top of our lungs. I also remember that time you had surgery
and were on drugs so you called me and Jordyn imbeciles. That was great.
You’ve been there when I cried, when I laughed, when I got my heart
broken, when I failed, and when I succeeded. You have loved me the same through
everything with a love that I know comes only from our heavenly Father. God has
been so good to me. He blessed me with you. You have taught me how to worship
Jesus and surrender everything to Him. You have taught me how to love other
people. You have taught me that life is short and we have to pick our battles
and make the most of it. You have taught me that family is worth fighting for,
no matter how hard things get. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, and
neither have our lives, but the Lord’s grace has carried us this far, and I
know that He will continue to carry us on the road ahead.
Thank you for being real with us. You didn’t act like you and Daddy had
it all together, but instead, shared your lives with us in a way where we could
see God working through you. I think that I speak on behalf of all four of us
kids in saying that you and Daddy are the best parents we could have asked for.
You saw the differences in our personalities and gifts and encouraged each of
us in the specific way that we needed to encouraged. You didn’t expect us to be
the same as you and Daddy or the same as each other. You embraced who we all
were and helped us become the women and man of God that we were created to be. And
you continue to do this today, even as we are all growing up and going our
separate ways. There were times when we fought and when we didn’t like each
other, but at the end of the day, we’re family, and God has blessed us richly.
So here’s me, about to be 24 years old, and I just want you to know that
I do still feel free to tell you “I need a hug”. You and Daddy did a great job
of answering all my questions about God and life. You still do. Because of the
way you loved me, I know and trust that I don’t have to earn God’s love. I
don’t have to try to be “good” or do the right things to make Him love me, He
just does. He loves me. Here’s me saying, “I love you lots and lots”.
I love you Mommy.
Happy Mother’s Day,
Jessica
p.s. To anyone else who reads this, I would like to share
something. I know that not everyone has been blessed with a mother (or a
family) like mine who has loved me and supported me every step of the way. To
them I would like to say that the Lord is good. He is faithful. And he is in
the business of redemption. The Lord can redeem any situation, no matter how
ugly it is. Nothing is impossible with God. He can help you overcome
addictions, be free from guilt and shame of past regrets, and give you peace.
He will give you true and everlasting joy. He will restore your life. The Lord breaks
the chains that hold us back from being who we were made to be.
“God places the lonely in families. He sets the prisoners
free and gives them joy.”- Psalms 68:6
We all have our own unique story. The important thing is
that we delight ourselves in the Lord above all else, and trust him to lead us
in every circumstance. He directs our steps.
