Sunday, May 12, 2013

Jess vs. Mother's Day


My mother has always been great at writing me letters, so today I want to honor her with the same. Before I attempt to capture the beauty and inspiration of my mom in words, I would like to share some of the things she has written to me over the years.

April 1, 1991

To Jessica Marie,

    First of all, I have to let you know you’ve been an absolute joy! Daddy and I wanted to have a baby so bad, it seemed like it took forever for you to arrive. You were a wonderful baby! Your full head of hair stood straight on end. One time Grandma “Baba” even tried to get it to lie down by putting baby oil on it. You looked like a greaser. We never did it again. People asked me if I purposefully spiked your hair, because that was the style.
     You were Daddy’s and my pride and joy with each new thing you did as a baby- crawling, walking, and first words. Speaking of words, you picked up “Daddy” real quick, but didn’t get my name till much later. Daddy would work with you, point to himself and say, daddy, while pointing to me and say, “aaaaahhhh!” And, believe it or not, you’d say “aaaaahhhh” when you wanted me. I was so happy when you started calling me Mommy. Right now you say some of the funniest things. “oohies” is for when you’ve gone to the bathroom. 

July 14, 1992

My dearest Jessica,

     You’ve done some darling things that have brought a lot of laughter to Daddy and me.

We were driving in the car and out of the window you saw the trail of a jet in the sky and said, “look, mommy, there’s a scratch in the sky!”

You were playing with Julianne in the kitchen and began to fight with her and I heard you hit her. I walked to where you two were and asked what happened. You claimed defensively that you didn’t hit her, but that she hit you. I explained patiently that you need to tell me when she hits you and that you’re not supposed to hit her back. Your innocent little eyes looked up at me and you said, “I didn’t hit her in the back Mommy, I hit her in the front.” It was all I could do to keep a straight face.

The other day you woke up from your nap and sat on my lap in the living room and we watched a little bit of Candid Camera. There was an old black and white clip of the old Candid Camera and when it went off for a commercial you said, “Hey, I want to watch that dirty movie!”

     You’re becoming the sweetest little girl. Your personality traits are emerging. One thing I’m cherishing with you right now is you’re very loving. Out of the blue you’ll tell Daddy or me, “I need a hug” or “I love you lots and lots”. I hope you’ll always feel free to do that- at whatever age.

December 28, 1996

Dear Jessica,

Hello my big girl! I am so proud of how you are growing up! You’re 7 ½ now, seemingly going on 11! You love responsibility and respect. And you’re full of questions about God and life. I only hope Daddy and I do an okay job of answering those questions. I must admit, I’m a little stumped right now with you. You’ve realized the difference between heaven and hell. So I see you trying so hard to do and say the right things to be good. My problem is, I don’t know how to make you understand how God loves you and desires for you to love Him and that’s all there is to it. You don’t have to earn your way into His presence by doing good things. But when you love Him and you know He loves you you’ll want to please Him because you love Him. So I pray we can teach you this.
     I hope and pray that you’ll always be able to come to me with questions, problems, or whatever because I love you. And I’m learning and seeing how you are a beautiful person, different from me, and how you are to be respected- even in those differences. I promise to try to let go of my expectations and let you be who God made you to be. And I give you permission to remind me of this if necessary. J You are doing so well in school and I am so proud of the young lady you are becoming.

                                    I love you always,
                                                Mommy

August 1, 2008

Dear Jessica,

Well, honey, we’re 55 minutes away from midnight when you’ll be officially 19 years old; and 2 weeks from heading off to college. I’ve taken a trip down memory lane tonight and have shed a few tears (so much for the Knox He-Woman status), but I’m struck with how much the Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to be your mom. I mean, really blown away. I think back to each stage of your life, and I am just so very thankful to have the incredible memories of raising a beautiful young woman! I remember a few days after bringing you home from the hospital, and you were sleeping peacefully in your crib. I snuck into your room and just watched you for a while. I wanted to snatch you up into my arms and hold you as you slept, but I wasn’t about to take the chance I might wake you. So, I stood and watched you. And, as I watched, I just stood there and started to cry because I’d never known such a depth of love. Obviously my love for Daddy was very deep. But, there was something different in realizing that our love created you. And I bawled at the thought I would spend a lifetime pouring into you because of that love. It was an overwhelming feeling, and in that moment, the Lord showed me a huge glimpse of His love for me as I was experiencing my overwhelming love for you. He spoke to me in that moment… that as much as I was aware of my love for my daughter, His love for me went even beyond that. He showed me that love always goes deeper, with His love for us being the deepest of all.

                                    I love you more and more each day,
                                                                        Mommy

     I wanted to share these letters, not so that you could get to know me, but so you could get a glimpse of what a wonderful mother my mom is. These letters let us peak into her world and let us see what is important to her in life. I can imagine that if I was reading these letters as a stranger I could gather rather easily that she is a woman of God who deeply loves her husband and children and wants them to experience the love of God in their own lives.

May 12, 2013

Dear Mommy,

     I am so thankful that you are the woman God placed in my life to be my mother. I can not imagine who I would be if you were not in my life encouraging me, challenging me, and teaching me to be the best version of myself that I can be. The best gift that you have given me is your passionate and genuine love for Jesus and second to that, your deep love for Daddy. I will carry these two things with me for the rest of my life. I hope and pray that I can give these same gifts to my own children one day. I am convinced that Proverbs 31 was indeed written about you, for I have never met anyone that matches the description found there with better accuracy.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her. There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all! Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” –Proverbs 31:25-30

     Thank you for teaching me how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. You are so strong and wise; the result of what the Lord has done in your life and the ways that He has redeemed you. Your laughter brings me so much joy. I have countless memories of having ILS (inappropriate laughter syndrome) with you that I will never forget. We Knox women most definitely do not get the southern belle award for holding it all together in awkward and tense situations, and I’m perfectly ok with that. Throughout the years, you have been patient with me and have corrected me with kindness when I was wrong. Your children truly do stand and bless you, and your husband praises you (although not for your cooking J). If your cooking abilities are the worst quality about you, I’d say we got the better end of the deal, because you’re really not that bad until you walk away from the oven and forget you’re cooking something.

     Thank you for teaching me about grace. I can remember being homeschooled and being so mad at Julianne for all her shenanigans so I decided I was going to write down all the ways she wronged me so I could tell you about them when you got home. I remember you walking into my room and asking me what I was doing, and when I told you, instead of validating my anger and desire for justice, you gently encouraged me to wad up the piece of paper and throw it away. You then explained how that is exactly what God does for us. He picks up the piece of paper with all our sins written on it, wads it up, and throws it away because he wants to be in right relationship with us.

     You have taught me many life lessons and I am so grateful. While the memories I have talked about thus far are serious, I also have some funny memories of you that will always stay with me. I will always remember how you let loose and have fun with family. I can still hear your Haha Tonka battle cry in my head whenever I want to, or how you sing I will survive into a spoon anytime it starts playing. I remember decorating for Christmas while singing Amy Grant at the top of our lungs. I also remember that time you had surgery and were on drugs so you called me and Jordyn imbeciles. That was great.

     You’ve been there when I cried, when I laughed, when I got my heart broken, when I failed, and when I succeeded. You have loved me the same through everything with a love that I know comes only from our heavenly Father. God has been so good to me. He blessed me with you. You have taught me how to worship Jesus and surrender everything to Him. You have taught me how to love other people. You have taught me that life is short and we have to pick our battles and make the most of it. You have taught me that family is worth fighting for, no matter how hard things get. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, and neither have our lives, but the Lord’s grace has carried us this far, and I know that He will continue to carry us on the road ahead.

     Thank you for being real with us. You didn’t act like you and Daddy had it all together, but instead, shared your lives with us in a way where we could see God working through you. I think that I speak on behalf of all four of us kids in saying that you and Daddy are the best parents we could have asked for. You saw the differences in our personalities and gifts and encouraged each of us in the specific way that we needed to encouraged. You didn’t expect us to be the same as you and Daddy or the same as each other. You embraced who we all were and helped us become the women and man of God that we were created to be. And you continue to do this today, even as we are all growing up and going our separate ways. There were times when we fought and when we didn’t like each other, but at the end of the day, we’re family, and God has blessed us richly.

     So here’s me, about to be 24 years old, and I just want you to know that I do still feel free to tell you “I need a hug”. You and Daddy did a great job of answering all my questions about God and life. You still do. Because of the way you loved me, I know and trust that I don’t have to earn God’s love. I don’t have to try to be “good” or do the right things to make Him love me, He just does. He loves me. Here’s me saying, “I love you lots and lots”.

I love you Mommy. Happy Mother’s Day,

Jessica

p.s. To anyone else who reads this, I would like to share something. I know that not everyone has been blessed with a mother (or a family) like mine who has loved me and supported me every step of the way. To them I would like to say that the Lord is good. He is faithful. And he is in the business of redemption. The Lord can redeem any situation, no matter how ugly it is. Nothing is impossible with God. He can help you overcome addictions, be free from guilt and shame of past regrets, and give you peace. He will give you true and everlasting joy. He will restore your life. The Lord breaks the chains that hold us back from being who we were made to be.

“God places the lonely in families. He sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.”- Psalms 68:6

We all have our own unique story. The important thing is that we delight ourselves in the Lord above all else, and trust him to lead us in every circumstance. He directs our steps.