Jess vs. the American church

What if the Jesus we often see in the American church is nothing like the Jesus in the Bible? What if we dumb down Christianity and make God's grace and His love about us and our own glory, and not His glory? 

I am at a place in my life where I am reevaluating my life and how I spend my time. Am I spending my time glorifying the Lord? Am I spending my time sharing the good news of the Gospel? Am I spending my time advancing the kingdom? Because if I'm not, then I have to ask myself, what am I doing with my life? Literally. If my life is not spent to advance the kingdom of God, then what is the point? It is not enough to just be a good person and go to church. It is not enough to say I believe in Jesus and then not listen to EVERYTHING He says. This makes sense doesn't it? Jesus says to make disciples of all nations. But only if your called. No. That's not what the verse says. Jesus says make disciples of all nations. Period. This isn't an optional "calling" that is for some of us, but not for the rest of us. It is for ALL of us.  

Jesus said to give to the needy, but don't let anyone else see you do it. (Matthew 6:1-4)

Jesus said not to lay up for ourselves treasures on earth, but treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy. For where your treasure is there your heart will be also (Matt. 6:19-21)

Jesus said judge not, lest you be judged. (Matt. 7:1-2)

Jesus said ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. (Matt. 7:7)

Jesus said that if we follow him we could be homeless. (Matt. 8:18-22)

Jesus said that we shouldn't worry about burying our own father, but should immediately follow him (Matt. 8:18-22)

Jesus said that we will face persecution. (Matt. 10: 16-23)

Jesus said that whoever loves his father and mother more than Him is not worthy of Him. (Matt. 10:37)

Jesus said that whoever does not take up his cross and follow Him is not worthy of Him (Matt. 10:38)

Jesus said that we can come to him, all who labor and are heavy laden, and He will give us rest (Matt. 11:28)

Jesus said that on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matt. 12:36)

Jesus said to the rich man, go and sell all your possessions because he knew that he was tied to the wealth he had. (Matt. 19:20)

Jesus said that many are called, but few are chosen. (Matt. 22:14)

Jesus said that the Pharisees, who were concerned with following every inch of the law and then some, were hypocrites. Because they were more worried about what the outward appearance looks like, rather than they were about the condition of their hearts. (Matt. 23:25)

Jesus said that whatever we do to help the naked, the poor, the hungry, the thirsty, or a stranger, that we are helping Jesus himself. (Matt. 25:40)

Just to give a little more background on the Pharisees...

There were around 6,000 in Israel in Jesus' day. Their biggest sphere of influence was in the synagogues, where they taught their rules and regulations. Pharisees were exclusivists, who separated themselves from people of certain occupations in order to keep themselves clean. They didn't go near the sick or the poor. They were legalists, worried more about the fine points and exact details of the law than anything else. They believed in both the written law (Torah) and the oral law, which was passed down through the generations and was in direct disobedience to God who said not to add or take anything away from his Word. Bottom line is this: they missed the heart of Christ. 

So do we, today, miss the heart of Christ? Are we similar to these Pharisees whom Jesus so strongly rebuked? Seriously, read the Gospels more, Jesus was not a fan. 

I think of Matthew 7:21-23 which says, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord', will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of the Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?' And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.'

That's terrifying. I don't know about you but I don't want to think I'm going to heaven and then stand before the Lord and have him say to me, depart from me, for I never knew you. We must know our Father, our creator. We must KNOW him. We must be in a relationship with him. We must spend time in his word and get to know Him. And we must do what He says to do. We must love him with all our hearts and love our neighbors as ourselves. 

Some of the things that Jesus said are nice. We like them. We like to believe that he will give us rest. But we do not like to think about the fact that that rest doesn't exactly necessarily mean physical rest on a comfortable bed with a roof over our heads. We do not like to think about selling our possessions, because we worked hard for them. We earned them. We can not give them up. But we can. We're supposed to. Jesus makes it clear that following him is not easy. It is counter cultural. But it is the greatest thing we will ever do in our lives. We were created in his image, and we were created to make his image known. We were created to enjoy his grace and make his glory known... to the nations. 

We sit in our comfortable chairs or pews in our multimillion dollar church buildings and we listen to "good pastors" and "good music". We worship a shiny Jesus who fits quite nicely into our American culture. But what if that's not the real Jesus? What if we are actually worshipping some glorified version of ourselves, instead of worshipping the One who truly deserves the glory. We can not make Jesus into our image, we have to realize that we are made in His. And in his Father's. And in the Holy Spirit's. 

I am not saying that churches in America are bad. I am simply wondering if we need to redirect our attention to the Biblical Jesus, instead of the American church Jesus. I want to advance the kingdom of God, and I want to be a part of it. I want to bring God glory, because He is so worthy. I am not. I know that I would be shackled by sin if it weren't for God's grace. Doing what He says is the least I can do.

So here is my challenge to myself and to you. Don't settle for a Jesus that allows you to be comfortable. Because following Jesus isn't comfortable. It isn't easy, and it isn't glamorous. But it's the best thing you'll ever do with your life. He will always lead you through, so do not fear. For the Bible also says that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). 

Jess vs. the unknown

I believe that God speaks to us in many different ways. He speaks in the storm and in the calm. He speaks in shouts and in whispers. Sometimes he gives us a green light. Sometimes he gives us yellow light, and sometimes he gives us a red light. We need only listen. I also think that God speaks to us with his peace. If you are earnestly seeking God's wisdom and will, then you better believe that if you are in the wrong place, God will not let you be at peace with it. Sometimes it's not that we are even living in sin, it's just that we aren't quite where God wants us to be. We aren't quite going in the direction that the Lord wants us to go. Picture a circle with two rings encompassing one another (kind of like a target). The inner circle is the center of God's will. The outer circle is not living in sin, but not quite being completely surrendered to God. And if you're outside the circle entirely, it's because you've chosen to live in sin, in constant disobedience to the Lord. This image helps me to understand this concept a little better.

Father let me recognize your gentle hand of correction. Let me see when it's your hand in my life. I believe that you delight in helping your children. I desire to be at the center of your will. I desire to be right where you created me to be.

I am a senior in college, with many decisions ahead of me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with these decisions. I am overwhelmed with all of the possibilities for Stephen and I. Where will we go after we graduate? Where will he work? Will I go to seminary? Will I take online courses? When does the Lord want us to start a family? Does he want us to serve in the mission field for any length of time? Sheesh. I know, so much uncertainty. I thought I was sure, but now I feel a shift. I made a commitment to the Lord, and to myself, that I would always keep my plans and dreams on the table, so that the Lord could use me in whichever way he wants. The thing about telling God that is you have to be ready for him to change your dreams. To change your plans. To change your heart and create a shift in you, to stir up new passions and ideas.

Don't be afraid to let God change your plans. Don't be afraid to let him lead you into the unknown. He will make it known. He will show you things about himself and yourself. I am talking to myself too of course. Ha. I know that the Lord knows his plans for me. He made them before I even came into existence. In Jeremiah 29:11 God is telling all the exiles that he sent from Jerusalem into Babylon that he will fulfill his promise to them and will bring them back to Jerusalem. That's when he says,

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

A lot of people are familiar with this verse and they quote it a lot but the verses that follow are pretty awesome too.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you..."

When we seek the Lord with all our heart, we will find Him. And in the context of our future and our plans, our hopes and our dreams, He is there to be found.

Another thing. If you feel the Lord calling to do something or to go somewhere know this: He will provide a way. He will equip you, and most likely he already has been equipping you. He likes to connect dots that we never really saw as connecting. But He sees them. He sees how they connect. You never know how He's going to use what you know to serve Him.

There's freedom in letting go. God is breaking off fear of the future. God has something good in store for our lives. Let's believe it!

Sometimes though, we have to wait. We have to wait patiently for the Lord to show us things. Of course, we want God to do things in our own timing, but that is just not how it works. So it's silly for us to get upset at Him when he doesn't answer when we want and how we want Him to. In that passage in Jeremiah 29, vs. 10 says that the people have to wait 70 years for God to fulfill his promise to them. 70 years! I think most of us in today's world would give up after 70 hours. That is convicting. No matter how long the Lord wants us to wait, we must continue to seek Him with all of our heart. We must continually seek Him. If we ask Him to reveal himself to us, He will. I know because I've been there. I've felt so far away from God, and I've felt that God was so far away from me. I've asked him to reveal himself to me, and He did. But He didn't do it right away. So don't be discouraged in the waiting. Just keep seeking.

Bethany Dillon has this song that she wrote and it goes like this... "You can do more in my waiting and I can do in my doing." We have to learn how to let the Lord do more in our waiting than we can do in our doing. Even if it goes against our nature.

So if you feel God putting something on your heart, seek that out. See what He's trying to do in your life. Allow him to create shifts in your thinking and in your passions. Don't fear the future, for the Lord knows the plans that He has for you. And it's a good plan. Listen to His voice. Allow Him to speak to you in different ways. Listen.

Lord, give us ears to hear and a heart unafraid of the unknown. Amen.

Jess vs. the one hour church

So I know our culture, and even our church culture, tells us that church is only supposed to last an hour, maaaaybe an hour and a half if you've got really really important things to say. I'm not saying that all churches like this are bad and that you can't get anything out of them. But I happen to like going to our church in Auburn for two hours. Today was one of those mornings where I would have been perfectly content if it went for another thirty minutes. It was that good. It was that encouraging. It was that personal. Today was membership Sunday and Stephen and I joined Campus Church. They had a brief amount of time where they had their ministry team pray for all the new members. The guy who prayed for me encouraged me saying, the Lord wants to be your comforter. He wants to wrap you up in his arms and lead you through the unknowns of life. Don't be afraid or anxious in those times, where things are unknown, but trust Him to lead you through them. I don't think that this was just an encouraging word for me, but can be an encouraging word for anyone. We all go through times in our lives where we face the unknown and we are afraid. Afraid to step into something we've never done before. Afraid to trust anyone besides ourselves. The thing is, we have a loving God who wants to lead us through the unknown. He wants to make it known. Through his power. Through his faithfulness. Not through our own strength.

During worship, we sang many awesome and powerful songs, one of which was How He Loves Us. Such a good song. And as the band softly played the music to the song, one of the worship leaders started to speak to the entire congregation saying that she felt like the Lord wanted us to receive his love this morning. A lot of times we feel like we have to earn it, but we don't. The Lord freely gives it to us, and more importantly, He delights in giving it to us. Her words, not mine! I laughed because if you've read my previous post you know that I talked about how hard it is for us to accept God's grace sometimes because we feel like we have to earn it or work for it. I also wrote about the new name of the blog, which means His Delight is in Her. The Lord delights in us and he delights to show us his love!

So I wanted to share that with whoever reads this because I know God likes to do that for us. He puts something on our heart and then he affirms it through someone else or something else and then in that moment we know that our God loves us. That he took the time to show us that he knows us, he accepts us, and he's right here with us, along for the ride of our lives. God is good!

After church, a few of us went out to lunch. We talked for a couple hours about lots of things. About life, ministry, the Lord... We talked about our college ministry and what it takes to keep it alive and keep it growing. We also talked about what people our age are looking for. From God, from church, from Christianity and from Christians.

I have a few thoughts on why people my age aren't going to church. Many church leaders are trying to figure out how to get people in their 20's to come to church, and more importantly, how to keep them there. I worked as a youth director's assistant at a small Methodist church in Madison, Al this past summer. I remember being in one of the staff meetings and they were talking about their vision. They were examining different areas of their church and what their strengths and weaknesses were. Then they started talking about why there is a hole in the age group from about 18-30. They just aren't in the church. Then they turned to me, seeing as I fall into that age group and they asked me what I thought...

I think there are several reasons why people in my generation have stopped going to church. But I think that there are a few fundamental reasons that can easily be pinpointed. I also think there are certain characteristics of this age group that make us different than the generations older than us.

What do we want from church? Bottom line is this: we want genuineness. We don't want gimmicks and shallow versions of scripture. We don't want cliches or hypocrisy. We want something real. We want something deeper. We are at a point in our life where we are trying to identify our purpose in this world and we want to make a difference. We want to do something with our lives that is full of meaning. We do not want to settle, we want to grow. We want to be challenged. We want something bigger than ourselves. We do not want to simply "do religion". We want something more. If that's not an option, then some of us will simply walk away. Because we don't want to be a part of something that says it is something that it's not. We want genuineness.

You see, young people are in a constant season of discovery. We are in a state of flux, if you will. It's dynamic, not static. Young people want genuineness, and within that genuineness, we want something real to grab a hold of us and get our attention. Otherwise, we're not afraid to "buck the system". A system can be described as a structure or framework that is designed to help us with our understanding of an idea or an execution of a goal. Our ideas and goals are of course, intertwined. These systems are often put in place and then that becomes the "only way". The only way to do something, just because it's how it's been done in the past. But we must learn to utilize and set up a system of freedom, freedom within the structure. Freedom to adapt and to embrace creative and critical thinking. I think that older generations are more set in their ways. In a general sense, they have usually been doing whatever they've been doing for a long time and they like it that way. They don't like change, they are more static. I realize of course, that this does not apply to all older individuals. I am speaking, however, in a more general sense about generational differences. Young people are discovering, where as older people have already gone through this discovery process and are now in the "settled in" phase. If we are going to be set in our ways, let us at least be set in the right ways. Let's flip religion on its head, like Jesus did, and do more than religion. BE more than religion. Let's get into the Word of God and make it real to our lives. Let's BE the church instead of going to church. Let's practice what we preach. Let's love people instead of judge people. That's what we want. Something genuine.

Many of us have been hurt by the church and that's why we don't go back. We've been judged or we've seen others be judged. And here we thought that the church was supposed to be the one place that doesn't judge other people for their sins. Isn't the church supposed to be a place where we are all sinners? Not a place where there is an implicit caste system of sinners and "bigger sinners", and those who don't truly admit that they even are sinners. Church isn't just for the "good people", it's for the broken people, for the ones who know that they can't make it without the grace of their heavenly Father. It's for the people who need other believers in their lives to help them get through their struggles. Look at the people Jesus hang out with. They were poor. They were outcasts. They were sick. They were widows. They were orphans. They were sinners. We are all sinners. And yet Christ has redeemed us. There is redemption in Christ Jesus who desires to "hang out with you" and restore the broken places in your life.

This is what we want. My generation wants to read the Bible and then see the same things happening in the church. We will not settle for anything less. We will not settle for hypocrisy. No one is perfect. Not even the most Godly of Christians. So yes, we must realize this. Our generation desires righteously, but we also have responsibility. A responsibility to see that we, too, must show grace and forgiveness when we are hurt by the church.

I am about to start reading a book called You Lost Me: Why Young Christians Are Leaving Church... And Rethinking Faith. I haven't started reading it yet so we'll see what it has to say. I'm sure I'll share at some point. But what I've shared is just a few thoughts that I've had before on this topic.

Lord, please show us what you originally designed "church" to be like. Whether we're young or old, let us approach church with fresh eyes, seeing what it is that you want us to see within the body of Christ. Help us to go deeper. To dive in and to cast vision to others so that they can dive into the deeper waters as well. Help us to use our gifts to impact the kingdom. Help us to be kingdom minded in all that we do. Amen.

Jess vs. Tim Tebow

So as I'm sure you've noticed, we've had a slight name change. Here's why. The other day I got this text message from my sister informing me that she tried to go to my blog but forgot to put the 15 at the end of darkbutlovely. Here's the thing. When you don't put the 15 on the end of darkbutlovely, it makes a big difference. You will find yourself at the blog of a sexual anorexic, and while I reserve my judgment, I don't wish for anyone to ever venture to that blog under any condition. So in an effort to thwart any accidental comings upon of this blog, I changed the name of mine to Hephzibah624. Now before you go saying things like, "What the heck is a hephzibah?", let me explain.

Hepzibah is Hebrew for My Delight is in Her (but don't worry guys, this isn't exclusive to women). It comes from Isaiah 62:4, where ironically, God gives Zion a new name. Check this out.

"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch. The nations shall see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will give. You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God. You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight is in Her, and your land married, for the Lord delights in you. For as a young man marries a young women, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you". -Isaiah 62:1-5

Let's explore this passage for a moment. For the sake of the redeemed people of God who dwell in Zion (another name for Jerusalem, God's holy city), God will glorify himself in the renewed and increased glory of his people. In other words, He is going to raise up his people for the sake of his glory. He gives his people a new name, declaring that He is the only one that defines their destiny. This is the Lord's city. It is where he dwells. He dwells among his people. The Lord delights in his people. He likes them! He delights in YOU. And then we get this beautiful picture of a bridegroom rejoicing over his bride. I can relate to this in a finite way because I just got married. I think of what a joyful day that was for me, to walk down the aisle with my earthly father at my side, walking toward my bridegroom, who had a big smile on his face while simultaneously trying not to bawl in front of 300+ people. It was a beautiful day; full of promises, laughter, anticipation, and excitement. And here God is saying he rejoices over us like that. What an even bigger picture full of His promises and his delight in us, his creation. Thank you Lord.

I am sure you're wondering why my post is titled, Jess vs. Tim Tebow. Well, I want to share a story that will hopefully encourage you. I have this friend... we shall call her Tim Tebow. She called me the other day and we talked for awhile about life, and just some things that were on her heart concerning her relationship with the Lord. You see, Tim Tebow (remember... Tim the she, not the he) grew up in a very legalistic environment. An environment that is very common in our culture today. An environment that says, do good and you will be blessed, do bad and you will be punished. We talked about grace and how hard it is for her sometimes to accept it from God because it is free. And we are taught in our society to earn what we get. So how can we, as Christians in today's society, learn how to accept God's grace when it is free? On one hand we think, I love free stuff. Free stuff is great. On the other hand, we think, I don't feel worthy of this gift. What did I do to deserve it? What can I do to make up for it? What can I do? You see, many of us make it about doing. But is that what grace is about?

I remember being probably about 10 years old when I got my first true lesson on grace (that I can remember at least). And I'll never forget it. I am the oldest of four, and my sister, who is the second born in the family, used to really get on my nerves. Needless to say, we did not get along well when we were younger (by God's grace, we do now). She would do things to annoy me and she tattled on me and made me look like the big bad bossy older sister (which I probably was some of the time). Well one day, I decided to write down all the things that she did to wrong me that day so that when my mom got home, I could show her the list (I even had a bad memory back then and had to write stuff down). So I'm writing my list of trivial wrongdoings that my sister had done to me, and all of a sudden my mom walks into my room and asks me what I'm doing. I proceeded to tell her and that's when she talked to me about grace. That even though my sister might have hurt me or done something wrong to me, I needed to forgive her. Without a price. She didn't need to earn my grace, I just needed to learn how to give it to her. So I wadded up that piece of paper and threw it in the trash can, because that is grace. Grace is throwing away the piece of paper with all our sins, all our misgivings, and all our wrongdoings on it. Grace doesn't ask any questions and it doesn't ask us to earn it. It just simply gives freely.

God does the same thing for us. He knows every single sin (and he is actually justified in identifying those sins), and yet he offers his grace to us because he loves us. He delights in us.  And more importantly, He likes to let us know that He delights in us. He speaks to us and teaches us new things. He blesses us and guides us. He is faithful to fulfill his promises. He shows us things that maybe we wouldn't normally see without Him. He allows people to come into our life that give us joy, and sometimes he allows us to go through hardships because He has something He wants us to learn. Now that is a good Father. Always looking out for our best interest, because He delights in us.

Back to Tim Tebow... God likes Tim Tebow. He delights in her. I know this because I have seen the Lord chase after Tim Tebow multiple times, as if to say, come back here, I want you to come to me! Like a father who has to chase his daughter who has wandered into the street alone, I have seen God chase Tim Tebow, both in a full out run and in subtle, gentle whispers. So Tim Tebow texted me on Wednesday to tell me she was going to church. And guess what the sermon was about? Grace. And how hard it is to accept grace because we are such a performance based culture and we feel like we have to earn it somehow. We think "do good be blessed, do bad, be cursed". If that's not God talking to Tim Tebow, I don't know what is! You see, we serve a loving God that desires to lavish his grace on us and to show us that we can do nothing to earn his grace. And we don't have to. That's why he sent his son to die on the cross for us! Jesus Christ did all the work. Now don't get me wrong, faith without works is dead... but James says this because he wants to point out that our faith should produce good works. It's not that our works earn us salvation.

No matter what season of life you're in, no matter where you're at with your relationship with the Lord, hear this. Our God delights in us. If we are stuck in the desert, he will lead us into the promiseland. If we are stuck in sin, he will deliver us from the chains that keep us there. No matter who you are, or what you've done, God is bigger than all of it. He is bigger than your sin. He is bigger than your inadequacy. He is bigger than your unfaithfulness. He can rescue you from the pit and bring you into new life. His grace is free. Receive it.

Delight in the Lord as he delights in you.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus". -Romans 3:23-24

"But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many." -Romans 5:15

My declarative statement for today is: Me and Tim Tebow are going to accept God's grace. :)

Jess vs. the crutches

Day two of the 'journey of the blog' has begun and I just now saw that I can title my posts. (I told you I was new at this). Hence, I shall make a tribute to one of my favorite TV shows, Chuck, and name my posts like the writers of Chuck name their episodes. I guess in all reality it is like I am writing a small episode of my life here in this blog, so it only seems fitting. That, and in another life, I'd totes be down for being a spy with an 80's Tron poster hanging up in my bedroom.

I digress...

To more important matters like what God has already shown me today. I woke up this morning and prayed that God would open my eyes. That I would see him in someone else today. And I did. And the day isn't even over! I had just gotten out of my adult and adolescent development class, which is my last class for the day. As I started walking with my bike rolling at my side and my ipod headphones in my ears, I spotted something that caught my attention. I saw a girl walking with crutches. Both her legs were wrapped from her ankles to her knees and she walked slowly and gingerly down the sidewalk through the bustle of all of the rest of the people hurrying to their classes, to lunch, or to whatever other destination. I immediately wondered to myself, what happened to her? And then I thought, maybe I should try to talk to her and maybe even pray with her. Before I go any further, I need to tell a story...

Maybe about a month ago, my husband and I were at home visiting for a brief amount of time. While I was there, I took a quick trip to Publix to get a few items that were necessary for my Grandma to make us a wonderful meal. When I pulled into a parking spot, I saw a man sitting on the curb right next to his car. He looked like he was waiting for something. What, I didn't know. But all of a sudden I felt a very strong urge to go and talk to him. I felt like the Lord wanted me to talk to him, but I didn't know why and I was afraid of being wrong, so I rationalized the thought away and walked into the store. When I came back out, he was still there, still looking like he was waiting for something, or someone. I again felt this sense that I should talk to him but instead I got inside my car. And by my car, I mean Stephen's car, which is a Prius. Yeah I know, a prius. If you've ever driven one then maybe you know how difficult they are to start if you've never done it before. Well after debating with God for awhile about why I didn't really have to go talk to the man, I tried to start the Prius. And I'll be darned if I couldn't get the thing to start. I couldn't put the car in reverse. I took this as a sign that God was giving me a THIRD chance to get up and talk to that man, and to trust that whatever the need was, the Lord would help me. I was nervous. I was afraid. I was doubtful. And then the man got up and walked into Publix. Probably because he thought it was odd that this girl kept looking at him and not leaving even though she got in her car like ten minutes ago. Totally made that situation awkward. Not to mention, I was disobedient. I drove away knowing that the Lord had given me an opportunity, and I didn't take it. He spoke to me, and I chose not to listen because I was afraid of failure. Because I was disobedient, I didn't get to experience God's blessing, which he wanted to pour out on me in that moment. So as I said in my previous post, I want to get better at obeying God in the context of hearing his voice and obeying him. You never know how He is working and how He will use you!

After that happened, I made a promise to myself and to the Lord that the next time I would listen. Next time, I would go. Next time, I would put my fear aside and step out of the boat onto the water, knowing that Jesus is calling to me on the other side, wanting to show me his goodness and faithfulness.

So back to today... Instead of turning right to ride my bike back home, I turned left to see if the Lord would give me an opportunity to talk to her. I prayed and eventually I ended up sitting next to her at the tiger transit area. As I was thinking about what I could say, she ended up getting a phone call and got up to go get into the car of whoever was picking her up. So no, I didn't get to actually talk to her, or pray with her. But I did pray FOR her. I prayed for physical healing of her legs and I prayed that she would feel the love of her Savior. I don't know anything about this girl, I simply followed her (in the most non-creepy way possible) and then prayed for her. I think about the verse in James chapter 5 that says the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. And I trust that this is true. I believe in the power of prayer because I believe in the power of my God. And I know that he hears me. And he hears you.

Maybe God just wanted to see if I would go, like I promised. It's kind of like when He asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, but then He ended up providing a ram for the sacrifice. I don't know. Obviously there wasn't as much at stake in my case. All I know is that I am called to be obedient, and that's what I'm going to try to do, with God's grace covering me. As I rode away on my bike I started thinking about her situation and what it required her to do. And as if to reiterate his point, God also brought to my attention that the song playing in my ears was Able by Needtobreathe, which sings, I'm not able on my own.  I'm not able on my own. Just like that girl, who was walking on crutches with two weakened legs, is not able on her own. Her situation requires her to be dependent on other people, on something other than herself. It requires her to have help carrying her things, and it requires her to ask someone else to come pick her up from her classes. I do not know if that girl is a believer, but I do know this. As a believer, I want that kind of dependency. I want to be dependent on the Lord because He is the only one who will carry me through. He knows me and the plans He has for me. He can plan things way better than I can.

You see, I have this tendency to be very independent. I do not like to depend on anyone. I take comfort in the fact that I am completely capable of taking care of myself and taking care of the things that I need to get done. I feel good when I accomplish something on my own, and my pride has a terrible knack for getting in the way of being even remotely dependent on anyone. Naturally, this carries over into my relationship with the Lord. So today, as He let me notice that girl with the crutches, he reminded me of dependency. Dependency on Him, because He will never leave me or forsake me. What a promise.

Lord, please continue to open my eyes to see things like I saw today. Help me not to just see a girl with crutches, but to see a need for dependency. You are evident everywhere, we need only to open our eyes to see you. Thank you for your sense of humor, for your grace, and for your patience with me. I am your daughter, a silly little girl who is stubborn and prideful. I need you Lord. Thank you for the reminders that you give me. You are good, faithful, and true.

I will end with this declarative statement: I am not able on my own.

Jess vs. the blog

So up until this point I'd never even read a blog. I didn't know how to get to one or what the point of one was. I don't consider myself to be apt in the ways of 'the blog' in any way shape or form. Yet somehow, here I am. My best friend Sara thinks my blog name is "emo", but actually it's based off of Song of Solomon 1:5: "I am very dark but lovely..." Read it. The whole book. It's cool. It's a very intense love story that depicts the love that Christ has for his bride. We are his bride, the church. We are dark, but lovely. We are sinful, but redeemed. We are disobedient, yet loved. As I sit in Toomer's coffee reading this passage I am in awe of how much my maker loves me. I am in awe because I know how sinful I am, yet He still loves me. He has seen me for who I really am, and He still chose me to be in his family. He has a plan for my life and wants me to experience the vastness of his love. No matter what happens to me in this life, I know that my Lord and King adopted me as his daughter into his family (See Romans 8:14-17). If you are lonely, or ever feel alone, hear this. God places the lonely in families (Psalm 68:5-6).

To back up a bit, I guess I started this blog for a couple of reasons. One, I have a terrible memory and need to write things down to remember them. And writing things down helps me to process my thoughts. Two, I want to challenge myself. I want to challenge myself to broaden my perspective in this world and to see the world as God sees it, not just how I see it. Because how I see it is limited. Limited by my experiences, my views, my judgments, and my sinfulness. So I need God to help me see things better. So that's my challenge to myself, and then at the end of the day I will process and write. Write what I learn here in this space. Other people don't necessarily need to read it. Maybe it's just for me, and that's ok. Third, I need to learn how to obey the Lord better. I know this is a broad and maybe simple statement. But goodness, it's not always a simple action. What I mean by this is simply hearing the voice and heart of God and obeying. Because obedience brings blessing. When we obey, no matter if it's in a "big" or "small" way, we will be blessed because when we are in obedience to God's will, we are at the center of that same will. And that is a wonderful place to be. When I'm there, I don't want to leave. But I inevitably do. We all do. thank goodness for heavenly grace, that allows us to step back into it.

I am no one special. I am just a simple girl who loves Jesus. I am fallen and sinful just like anyone else. But I know that the Lord can use me, just like he can use you, and I want to make myself completely available to what he has for me. I have learned to always keep my plans and dreams on the table. Because you never know what the Lord has in store for you, but I do know that it's always better than what I have in store for myself. Amen for that. So I write not because I feel like I have anything to say, but because I know that I have a lot to learn. And this is just the way I have chosen to express it. I will fall, and the Lord will pick me back up. And in the spaces in between, I hope to chronicle what happens so that I can look back and connect the dots, and be reminded that God is real and he is active and he is powerful. He goes before me and he fights for me (Exodus 1:30-31).

To be completely transparent, I can't believe I'm actually about to push the button that says publish. It's like by pushing that button I'm making a commitment and I can't go back. I know that when I push that button my thoughts and feelings will be out there, to be judged. And that is a scary thing. But I guess that's why I'm doing this, to stretch myself and take myself to a vulnerable place where only the Lord can be relied on. In a sense I am exposing myself, and that is not something I am generally ok with. Alas, as I embark on the journey of 'the blog', Lord I pray that you will be glorified. That maybe, in the end, this will not actually be a blog about me, but about you, and your love for ALL of your children.

I will end with this declarative statement. I am dark, but lovely.